I'm a Perfectionist!!! NO!!!

Ok, folks, I've finally figured it out - this really is someone elses fault, though I don't know who, as the poor woman has probably been dead for over a hundred years. Anyway, somehow this idea of the "perfect" family life got passed down from one mom to her daughter(s) and from her/them to their daughters, etc. The idea? That everything in an adult woman's married life and family should be peaceful and harmonious at all times, and if anything goes wrong, it's someone else's fault but it's her responsibility to try to restore peace and harmony, and using an iron fist is the way to accomplish this. This is my mother's idea of perfection, and as was her duty, she passed it on down to me, hook, line, and sinker. What she didn't realize was that this would be the undoing of my relationships with her and my dad.

I was raised believing that a family should be happy, that everyone should get along, and if that wasn't happening, then there was something wrong and also, chances were that it was my dad's fault in some way. Eventually though everything became my fault because I wanted peace and it upset me so much to see that there was none. Of course I've blamed my parents for that: they should have acted like adults and restored peace, through forgiveness, first in their marriage, and then within their relationships with me, right? They should have Loved me enough to do that if they were going to claim to believe in God, who commanded them to Love me, right?

This puts far too great of burdons on everyone. It took Laura's Loving letter to me, chiding me for expecting myself to Love my parents who don't Love me, for me to see that. In truth, I didn't see it until about 80.5 seconds ago - at least not clearly. Also, those burdons of HAVING to Love others and be Loved by others make me prey to being hurt and dissapointed when I see that anyone else had it (what I percieve to be) "better" than I did. "Better" meaning "closer to that idea of peace and harmony that my family should have been according to this perfectionistic model." The big lesson I've learned here is that when I come across someone who has for the most part lived the life I wanted, I should try to remember that it's not what I want that counts, but what God can do with what I have, or how He can change my life circumstances to give me what I need.

You know, I should have caught the hint a few days ago when dad, because of his own imperfections, started pouring Silk Vanilla (Low Fat) Soy Milk into a gallon jug of regular milk! Actually, no one saw when he started doing this, so no one has any idea how much soy milk was lost to that cause, but I did turn, saw him doing this, asked him why, and then burst out laughing! I must have laughed for around 10 min at my poor dad who was so lost in his thoughts about hating Bush (my parents are both dems) that he completely was on auto-pilot and was doing something that was so bizarre... It kinda defeated the purpose of our having soy milk, seeing as how I'm 100% allergic to all milk products because of the protein casein, which comes from milk.

So, yes, my family is FAR from perfect. I have to learn to accept that. Yes, they are toxic and it's better for me psychologically speaking if I leave, because there is a LOT of abuse, and I have now been told by 2 highly trusted friends that it's time for me to leave. I had sensed that it was time even before Erik told me it was time. So really, that's 3 confirmations of this fact. Perhaps in my learning to accept that they just aren't the people I thought I needed them to be, they will sense that I'm actually a Safe individual - or maybe they won't. They are so oblivious to anything going on with me, even though I'm right here in their house. Not that I would, but honestly, I really COULD have some guy over here having wild sex all over the place, and I sincerly doubt they would even notice. (You'd have to understand the layout and construction of this house to understand why that is.) In any event, it doesn't matter whether they notice what kind of person God is making me into over here. What matters is that I Allow Him to keep working on my heart, making it more like His as He chooses to do that.

I've noticed that my part in all the fighting that's been going on lately has really taken a toll on mom, but it's a fake toll. She just glares at me all the time, blames me for any little thing that happens, whether she's at fault or not... She can't understand that she doesn't control me (that was part of the fight we had last night), and she honestly thinks she can emotionally beat me into submission with one look or a few nasty words about me as a person. I think I need to just keep doing my own thing, and ignore such behavior rather than rewarding it with any kind of reaction. Perhaps that will get me kicked out entirely, or perhaps it will teach her to back off and let me be me. It doesn't matter now. God is in charge of where my life goes, and where I live, so I just don't think I ought to worry about that. I just need to be me - and though I'm imperfect according to the world, I am Perfected according to God. I need to learn to Believe in that when people keep giving me reasons to forget that He did that for me.


Hehehe - My Personal Dna Report ;)

Update

May 11, 2006, 9:21 pm
You know, it works. I can report now that mom and I actually DIDN'T come to verbal blows tonight while I did my best to teach her about how to update stuff on her web site. Before, the problem was mainly me - I was so angry about how I know she doesn't love me that I just couldn't stand to be around her before, and she responded to me likewise. But tonight, things went much better, mainly because I've decided that I don't honestly care whether she loves me or not. I decided to just go and help her and get it over with. It was hard at first, because she doesn't make a very attentive student, nor do I make a very patient teacher (Erik must be snickering as he remembers those days with me :p Thanks, brother, for your patience.) But we got through it because I wasn't angry with her.