The Perfectionist, Part II
I just realized something profound: everything mom taught me was with the assumption that I had to be her idea of perfect. Ok, that's not new, but what I'm saying is that the reasons I was given for everything I learned were based on that idea. "Why do I HAVE to cook right now?" (as apposed to some other time when I might actually want to) "Because someday you may have to cook for a husband and kids." "Why do I have to get a job right now?" "Because you need a good work history [at age 14?] so you can support yourself if your husband looses his job." (Back then, all I wound up doing was setting myself up for hurting my back, but anywho...) "Why do I HAVE to go to college right now?" (Same reason was given as the last question.) My life, from day one, was all about my husband. Go figure that I've somehow got it in my head and now my heart that there's some guy (guy? He'd better be a MAN! Gasp! I'm all grown up now!!! Eh? What happened to my "roaring 20s"?) out there who is just right for me. Me... Am I just some figment of my mom's perfect imagination? Granted, I do believe for Spiritual reasons now, that God has someone out there for me! But realizing the mother-daughter perfectionist trap a lot sooner would have saved me SO many tears and stress...
I want to do things differently when I have kids. Between my "Rock, flower, Tina" experience and Laura's pregnancy becoming a genuine reality for me (for sad reasons, I JUST learned of her pregnancy a week ago now), I've really started to grasp the concept that sometime in the next few years, I will likely not only be married to the MAN God has chosen for me, but also have my own little kids running around. How do I want to do things? What reasons do I want to give my kids?
As for the cooking thing, the truth is, I enjoy cooking, but don't get to much anymore because mom has taken over the kitchen. So, my husband being the reason for cooking turned out to be something that, while I really did have to work hard through that (I cried while I made my first meal, and some meals after that, after I got kicked out at age 22, because I hadn't gotten to live my dream of moving straight from my parents house into my own home with my husband and cook that first meal for him), in the end, was just a misnomer of sorts. That did NOT turn out to be the real reason for my "having" to cook! Mom had decided for me, back in the day, when it was time to cook, what I would cook, etc., until she was satisfied that I was faithfully preparing to cook meals for my husband all on my own, particularly after I became a teen. That was when I first started to really ENJOY the gift I have for making really cool, odd, new recipes that no one's ever heard of before, and sometimes no one wished they had! So, ok, I have a weird pallette. You win some, you loose some. But I do ENJOY cooking just for the sake of making food that (I think) tastes good!
So, the "cook for your husband" thing only emotionally set me up to want my husband as soon as I was old enough (or thought I was) to get married. It didn't become the reason for enjoying cooking, in the end. But do I really want to do to my kids what mom did to me, giving that as a reason? Why not skip the emotional garbage about marriage (that IS an awful LOT of pressure to put on a young girl, or boy, if you think about it -- shouldn't kids just BE KIDS for awhile?), and just do things in the following way?: If I want to teach my kids to enjoy cooking, I can first start them off with dry-foods-crafts, so they become familiar with working with food at all, and then just let them become curious as they grow about what mommy is making, and then invite them to join in if they want to. Sure, that means risking that they might say no, which would be THEM shining through with a preference that is honest and says "Mom, I don't enjoy cooking, at least not yet, if ever."
You know, not EVERYONE out there was meant to be a great cook, and yet somehow, even those who can't cook DO survive! Yes, the way they survive tends to be on take-out and Top-Ramen, but you know, in the end, it's all fat, carbs, and protein anyway: it's all calories, and (other than the financial waste of take-out), it doesn't really matter what a person eats as long as they don't have to restrict their diet for health reasons (allergies, poor health, etc.). So, I vow now to not freak out about it if any or all of my kids decide they just don't want to be good cooks when they grow up. Sorry mom, but your dream of perfect little grandbabies from me and some figment of your perfect imagination who I was supposed to meet at age 20 at WWC, your alma matter - that dream is dead. It was never alive in the first place, but anywho.
As for the job and the college thing, essentially the same principle applies, though the circumstances are different. Basically, I refuse to use some idealistic future spouse as a reason for my kids to do anything. I would rather that they just learn to be who they are, find out what they personally enjoy, and then do what they want to with that enjoyment.
How will I deal with housework? Well, I refuse to marry a man who doesn't agree on this point: common living areas are everyone's responsibility all the time. If you see something that needs to be done, don't complain about it, just do it. I do not intend to use a TV, and am considering not even owning one after the kids come, though from what I hear about Laura's pregnancy, a TV during that time can be quite handy to have. Why no TV? It distracts everyone when it's on and it's not like it sets a good example of dealing with real life... When's the last time you saw a sitcom where everyone pitched and did the housework? What about family worship time, for those who are inclined to attend? What about practicing healthy social problem solving skills? I was a TV-addict for 28 years, minus the 1 year period after 9/11 when I wigged out on the dumb box for awhile. I never really saw anything that taught me and my family about these basic family living skills. Why waste hundreds of hours of my family's time on something that won't really help us get along as people who live under the same roof? I'm not saying that I'm going to freak out about it if there are problems in my family: what I'm saying is that it seems like a waste of time to spend that many hours filling our minds with junk that won't really do anything constructive to help us learn to deal maturely with those problems.
Anyway, so common areas will be everyone's responsibility... As for personal spaces, I honestly say, "Each to his or her own." I've never cared what my own room looked like, and I've been in enough rooms of my friends now that were just as messy as mine that I would like to officially call off the "I'm embarressed because my room is messy" line that most of us grew up with!!! Down with the embarressment of the lack of perfection! If my kids want to not know where their stuff is, or which clothes are clean vs. dirty, that's their business (though I will have the rule that any socks/underware found on the floor will just be assumed to be dirty, for reasons of hygene, and WILL be washed.) If they want to trip all over their stuff until they learn to put things away, that's their business. It's not like I won't provide storage for their things.
Will I give an allowance? Nope, but I won't make my kid's shopping choices for them either. They'll have a "quasi-allowance" that goes something like this... Scenario: they and I are shopping. One of them sees something they want me to buy. I look in my check register, figure out how much money I can afford to spend on all my kids total (in general), divide it by the number of kids who may ask for things, and that is their allotment for the week or month, whichever I have to choose at the time. They may buy pretty much whatever they choose with that (probably tiny) amount of money, or not (if it's not enough for them to spend on anything at the moment). And that, my friends, is how I will do things. No, I won't "save up" what they don't spend in some account somewhere to be locked away from my use when I really need it in order to feed/care for my kids! That's rediculous. My kids will NOT be spoiled brats, nor will they starve all for the sake of having some allowance money. Also, I will not teach my kids that they are going to get paid for being active members of my family. I went through that with my parents, who assumed that I needed a financial incentive to do housework. No, in reality, all I needed was for them to quit yelling at me, calling me names, lording everything over my head... I WANTED to be part of a healthy family - they just ASSUMED that they had to be the way they were in order to force me to participate. This made me not want to do anything at all, or if I did, I insisted on getting paid what my friends were getting for their allowances (I still can't believe mom and dad actually haggled with me over a $.25/week allowance raise one time). I learned to manipulate the system and to be angry with my parents all in one shot. In my mind, there is a better way.
Anyhow, as is her custom, mom has just "spread the joy" in my direction. I need some time alone now, to recuperate, reflect, and continue working towards leaving this place. I just don't belong here anymore.
I want to do things differently when I have kids. Between my "Rock, flower, Tina" experience and Laura's pregnancy becoming a genuine reality for me (for sad reasons, I JUST learned of her pregnancy a week ago now), I've really started to grasp the concept that sometime in the next few years, I will likely not only be married to the MAN God has chosen for me, but also have my own little kids running around. How do I want to do things? What reasons do I want to give my kids?
As for the cooking thing, the truth is, I enjoy cooking, but don't get to much anymore because mom has taken over the kitchen. So, my husband being the reason for cooking turned out to be something that, while I really did have to work hard through that (I cried while I made my first meal, and some meals after that, after I got kicked out at age 22, because I hadn't gotten to live my dream of moving straight from my parents house into my own home with my husband and cook that first meal for him), in the end, was just a misnomer of sorts. That did NOT turn out to be the real reason for my "having" to cook! Mom had decided for me, back in the day, when it was time to cook, what I would cook, etc., until she was satisfied that I was faithfully preparing to cook meals for my husband all on my own, particularly after I became a teen. That was when I first started to really ENJOY the gift I have for making really cool, odd, new recipes that no one's ever heard of before, and sometimes no one wished they had! So, ok, I have a weird pallette. You win some, you loose some. But I do ENJOY cooking just for the sake of making food that (I think) tastes good!
So, the "cook for your husband" thing only emotionally set me up to want my husband as soon as I was old enough (or thought I was) to get married. It didn't become the reason for enjoying cooking, in the end. But do I really want to do to my kids what mom did to me, giving that as a reason? Why not skip the emotional garbage about marriage (that IS an awful LOT of pressure to put on a young girl, or boy, if you think about it -- shouldn't kids just BE KIDS for awhile?), and just do things in the following way?: If I want to teach my kids to enjoy cooking, I can first start them off with dry-foods-crafts, so they become familiar with working with food at all, and then just let them become curious as they grow about what mommy is making, and then invite them to join in if they want to. Sure, that means risking that they might say no, which would be THEM shining through with a preference that is honest and says "Mom, I don't enjoy cooking, at least not yet, if ever."
You know, not EVERYONE out there was meant to be a great cook, and yet somehow, even those who can't cook DO survive! Yes, the way they survive tends to be on take-out and Top-Ramen, but you know, in the end, it's all fat, carbs, and protein anyway: it's all calories, and (other than the financial waste of take-out), it doesn't really matter what a person eats as long as they don't have to restrict their diet for health reasons (allergies, poor health, etc.). So, I vow now to not freak out about it if any or all of my kids decide they just don't want to be good cooks when they grow up. Sorry mom, but your dream of perfect little grandbabies from me and some figment of your perfect imagination who I was supposed to meet at age 20 at WWC, your alma matter - that dream is dead. It was never alive in the first place, but anywho.
As for the job and the college thing, essentially the same principle applies, though the circumstances are different. Basically, I refuse to use some idealistic future spouse as a reason for my kids to do anything. I would rather that they just learn to be who they are, find out what they personally enjoy, and then do what they want to with that enjoyment.
How will I deal with housework? Well, I refuse to marry a man who doesn't agree on this point: common living areas are everyone's responsibility all the time. If you see something that needs to be done, don't complain about it, just do it. I do not intend to use a TV, and am considering not even owning one after the kids come, though from what I hear about Laura's pregnancy, a TV during that time can be quite handy to have. Why no TV? It distracts everyone when it's on and it's not like it sets a good example of dealing with real life... When's the last time you saw a sitcom where everyone pitched and did the housework? What about family worship time, for those who are inclined to attend? What about practicing healthy social problem solving skills? I was a TV-addict for 28 years, minus the 1 year period after 9/11 when I wigged out on the dumb box for awhile. I never really saw anything that taught me and my family about these basic family living skills. Why waste hundreds of hours of my family's time on something that won't really help us get along as people who live under the same roof? I'm not saying that I'm going to freak out about it if there are problems in my family: what I'm saying is that it seems like a waste of time to spend that many hours filling our minds with junk that won't really do anything constructive to help us learn to deal maturely with those problems.
Anyway, so common areas will be everyone's responsibility... As for personal spaces, I honestly say, "Each to his or her own." I've never cared what my own room looked like, and I've been in enough rooms of my friends now that were just as messy as mine that I would like to officially call off the "I'm embarressed because my room is messy" line that most of us grew up with!!! Down with the embarressment of the lack of perfection! If my kids want to not know where their stuff is, or which clothes are clean vs. dirty, that's their business (though I will have the rule that any socks/underware found on the floor will just be assumed to be dirty, for reasons of hygene, and WILL be washed.) If they want to trip all over their stuff until they learn to put things away, that's their business. It's not like I won't provide storage for their things.
Will I give an allowance? Nope, but I won't make my kid's shopping choices for them either. They'll have a "quasi-allowance" that goes something like this... Scenario: they and I are shopping. One of them sees something they want me to buy. I look in my check register, figure out how much money I can afford to spend on all my kids total (in general), divide it by the number of kids who may ask for things, and that is their allotment for the week or month, whichever I have to choose at the time. They may buy pretty much whatever they choose with that (probably tiny) amount of money, or not (if it's not enough for them to spend on anything at the moment). And that, my friends, is how I will do things. No, I won't "save up" what they don't spend in some account somewhere to be locked away from my use when I really need it in order to feed/care for my kids! That's rediculous. My kids will NOT be spoiled brats, nor will they starve all for the sake of having some allowance money. Also, I will not teach my kids that they are going to get paid for being active members of my family. I went through that with my parents, who assumed that I needed a financial incentive to do housework. No, in reality, all I needed was for them to quit yelling at me, calling me names, lording everything over my head... I WANTED to be part of a healthy family - they just ASSUMED that they had to be the way they were in order to force me to participate. This made me not want to do anything at all, or if I did, I insisted on getting paid what my friends were getting for their allowances (I still can't believe mom and dad actually haggled with me over a $.25/week allowance raise one time). I learned to manipulate the system and to be angry with my parents all in one shot. In my mind, there is a better way.
Anyhow, as is her custom, mom has just "spread the joy" in my direction. I need some time alone now, to recuperate, reflect, and continue working towards leaving this place. I just don't belong here anymore.
posted by Caroline Talita Ishshah | 1:59 AM
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